i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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