I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
