ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
