dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
