"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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