Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
