Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
