Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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