do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
