Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
