I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
