Your dad touched me again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
