I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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