I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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