I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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