Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
