Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
