As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
