He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
