first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I deserve this hangover.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
