My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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