when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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