i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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