You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
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