She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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