all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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