U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
