i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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