So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
