Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
