It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A bitchslap is in order.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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