Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
