i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
