Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
