You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
