ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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