my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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