How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
