I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
