just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
