Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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