Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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