Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
