If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
