Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
