its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
