No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
