i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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