he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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