I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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