I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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