Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
