Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
