where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
