He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
