Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
