I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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