Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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