Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
