I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i will never coherently bang her
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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