I wish I could teleport
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
