At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
