when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
as a side note pls kill me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
