I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
